#81: Give a microloan

(Advisory: The following post is not an overly happy, positive, or ‘typical’ entry for this blog.  Proceed at your own discretion.)

I’m not exactly sure where I first learned of Kiva; I think it might have been through Springwise. (And I’m not exactly sure how I was first introduced to Springwise; I think it might have been by a client I supported in the Marketing department of the company I work at…) At any rate, somehow I was made aware that Kiva exists – and when I first read about the organization, I remember thinking, “Wow, how cool! I want to help support that.” But I never took any action. And desire, good intentions, positive aspirations are all meaningless without action behind them. So today, I took action. I donated to Kiva.

I thought the process of completing this task would be pretty easy. I’d pick some up-and-coming entrepreneur in a developing country, give that person the extra little boost they needed to make the massive leap from impoverished to poor, and hopefully the momentum generated from that action would continue to carry the individual through poor and into lower- (or {dare I hope to imagine it?} middle-) class.

How very idealistic of me. Unfortunately, the opposite of idealistic is realistic. Within minutes of logging on to Kiva’s website, I quickly received a bit of education in the ways of ‘the real world’.

Kiva has a very handy filter function that allows prospective donors to locate the type of individual or group they want to fund. I wanted to support an individual, and I wanted the person to be a woman. Those two decisions were pretty easy. The next item to determine was what type of industry I wanted to support. Initially, I thought I would help a woman who wanted to get established in the transportation realm: it seems like it is a male-dominated industry, and I liked the tenacity that a woman who wanted to make her way in that domain must possess (at least in some measure). So I checked the “Transportation” box – and up came around 20 or so profiles. But. I was quickly disheartened to learn that most of these women were actually applying for loans for a man in her life, usually a husband or a son. The women wanted to get money to help the man either acquire a vehicle, or make repairs to his vehicle. Furthermore, about 80% of the women refused (or weren’t allowed) to have their picture taken; the husband or son was the image that represented the interest of the online profile. I felt a bit like I had been duped; but more than that, I felt disheartened. I simply couldn’t support a group that wouldn’t even let a woman have her photograph taken.

So…. back to the drawing board. I shook off of my sense of sadness as best I could, and tried again.

This time I opted for the “Manufacturing” category – and found that most of the requests here were for women who had a decent business already established, and were looking to expand. Which is great – but I wanted to help someone who hadn’t yet “made” it. I wanted to offer hope to someone who was in strong need of a good turn of events in her life.

Okay, attempt number three. I decided on “Agriculture”, in part because I thought this might be a domain that is more ‘accessible’ to more women, and in part because I liked the sustainable nature of this segment of business. People can decide they no longer want to buy lace, or baskets, or other textiles… but people can’t go without food. My logic was that once a woman was able to get a foothold into the agriculture business, she might have a better chance at truly transforming her life for the long-term, instead of possibly slipping back into desperate poverty should consumer preferences change.

But as I perused the profiles and saw what the women planned to do with the funds they were loaned, I was again disheartened. Many (most?) of them wanted to buy either animals or pesticides – both acts I can’t support in good conscience. Knowing what would likely be done to the animals (slaughter), and knowing the toxins the women (and others) would likely be exposed to through the application of pesticides, I felt like I just couldn’t use my money to support these actions.

As I was processing all of the information before me, my mind and my heart began to struggle with this whole situation. Who am I to decide who receives help and who doesn’t? Who am I to judge what people spend their funds on? I can’t possibly relate to what these various people experience on a daily basis – so who am I to dictate how money is best used by them? Am I really going to let my idealistic notions get in the way of much needed aid? And yet, if I did support people in ways that I thought were harmful (be it to themselves or to other living beings), wouldn’t that make me an incredible hypocrite? Wouldn’t I be acting unethically – immorally, even? I want to help – but how do I know what ‘help’ even is anymore?

I was getting overwhelmed. At this point, I realized a few things:

• Deciding how to act in a way that is motivated by “good intentions” isn’t always clear – or easy.
• Life is really, really unfair. How I landed where I am (i.e., a very free woman in a very rich country) is a crazy stroke of amazing good luck.
• I didn’t do anything to deserve my ridiculously blessed life; and the people requesting funding didn’t do anything to deserve their incredibly difficult lives. It really is a roll of the cosmic dice.
• Given that my present situation (and the situation of the vast majority of the people in the world around me) is a result of absolute dumb luck (or lack thereof), I shouldn’t feel guilty for all of the gifts I have received, nor should I feel responsible for all of the hardships others must endure. Yet I do.
• I would make a crappy aid worker.

Oy. Feeling a spectrum of difficult emotions, I looked at my computer screen once more… I looked in the “Food” category… and after a bit of searching, I found Matanat: a woman in Azerbaijan (east of Turkey, north of Iran) who supports her unemployed husband and one daughter by selling a small, basic assortment of fruits and vegetables. She wants a loan to purchase a variety of new goods to improve her business.

Sensing that this was a woman and a situation I could feel somewhat comfortable supporting, I completed the online process to direct funds to Matanat. Item #81 is now done. But I don’t feel all that great about it. I still feel the sting of inequality, inequity, misfortune, and suffering that affects so many people, in so many parts of the world. It hurts. It hurts my heart. It hurts my spirit. It hurts my sense of all the ways I think the world ‘should’ be. It hurts on many different levels. It just hurts.

Sometimes times living in ignorance is a lot easier than being aware of bigger, fuller truths. But – I can’t unlearn. (And I probably shouldn’t even ‘want’ to unlearn, even when the knowledge is painful and difficult.) I can’t un-do what has already been done. I can’t go back. I can only move forward.

So, onward.

Stef